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Column:
Variant Coverage
"The Mighty Marvel Mullet"
By Adam White
Published: 20 April 2006
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Remember comicbooks in the 1990s?
Remember the multitude of titles available?
Remember how almost every character had a mullet?
I do, and it makes me sick to my stomach. What on God’s Green Earth possessed artists and editors to impose the worst haircut known to man onto so many characters? That awful ‘do ran rampant throughout the 90s, making its presence felt in titles too numerous to mention. While the fledgling Image produced some fine specimens, they were mostly rip-offs of the company mullets the artists had previously illustrated as works-for-hire, so I’ll leave those be. My main concern is the Big Two and their twisted takes on previously worthwhile characters, as well as the permanent damage it dealt to the medium.
Marvel latched on to the mullet as if it were the lifeblood of sequential art. Seemingly hundreds of Marvel characters posed stoically on rooftops, mullets wistfully waving in a gentle breeze. The otherwise interesting Nomad defined his personality with a Bon Jovi Special, giving him a mysterious air of bad-boy rockstar combined with no-nonsense killer. I believe Nova had a High School Mullet at one point, as did many new heroes such as Darkhawk and Sleepwalker’s alter ego. Although he wore it up under some kind of cranial unitard, the ultra-popular Gambit actually rocked a mullet as well, only letting his hair down on special occassions. And we certainly cannot overlook the contributions of Bishop, sporting a Michael Bolton, and Archangel, with his Trailer Park Mullet.
The supernatural corner of the Marvel Universe was most beseiged by the phenomenon, with almost every character wearing an appropriately horrific mullet. Danny Ketch and Johnny Blaze (both otherwise known as Ghost Rider) were equally guilty, though Blaze had a Hardcore while Danny had more of the High School thing going on. Morbius donned a Gothic Mullet to further strike fear into his victims, illustrating the truly soulless nature of the vampire. The Nightstalkers should have had “Mullet” somewhere in the title, considering both Hannibal King and Frank Drake updated their follicular fashion with matching mullets (Blade should have decapitated them both, even if his flat top wasn’t much better). The only Midnight Son character without a hair-related faux pas was the Darkhold midget — draw your own conclusions.
Although the mullets were plentiful, Marvel’s most disgusting disaster involved Tony Stark. I recently procured Iron Man (Vol. I) #223-224 (because they were the first appearances of the newest Blizzard — I’m a first appearance buff), and as I glanced through them an oddity caught my eye and forced me to do a double-take. Tony Stark had a Geri Curl Mullet? Upon closer examination I found that indeed he had, and yet it was after he was a staggering boozehound (so there was no legitimate excuse). Seriously, imagine Samuel L. Jackson’s afro from Pulp Fiction (which was cool on him) combined with shoulder-length straight hair protruding from the back. I think I momentarily felt what it was like to be insane for a few seconds, and had to laboriously close the book to escape the pull of its malevolent black hole. On the other hand, it’s something that every comicbook reader, writer, editor, and (especially) artist should see at least once, so as not to repeat the offense.
DC didn’t miss out on the bandwagon, either, as many of their younger heroes and villains (most notably Nightwing) had improper encounters with sadistic barbers. I want to skip to the big one, though: Superman had a mullet. Superman. Had. A. Mullet. Captain America and Spider-Man may have escaped injury over at Marvel, but foisting that hairstyle on their biggest icon proved no one at DC was safe. Not only that, but this was after DC had already killed him — they killed the guy, then brought him back with a mullet. Better to have stayed dead...
I wonder: Did all the artists have mullets too? Editors? Because I just can’t figure out what happened. The characters all ignore it now; you never see Peter Parker hanging out at Avengers Tower passing around photographs of Tony Stark from the 1990s. The Daily Planet never prints a photo of the freshly-returned Superman to embarrass him when they run a criticle article. Which is probably just as well; the characters would rather forget it, and so would I.
Mullets symbolize everything that was wrong with 1990’s comics: bad writing, generic art, sheet metal covers, and villainous prospecting. I could write another whole article on the stupidity involved with prospecting — remember the sales ads on the backs of comics that featured Psylocke in a bikini, and carried relevant issue descriptions like “Hot! Hot! Hot!” and “Hot! Super Hot!!!?” I sincerely wish that I could not remember those travesties, but they are forever burned into my mind’s eye, a scar that will never quite heal.
What point am I getting at? None in particular, other than to beware of trends that have a half-life of twenty seconds. That and if you ever start to feel nostalgic for comicbooks from the 1990s — Don’t.
—CCdC—
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