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Column:
Variant Coverage
The Fanboy's Lament
By Adam White
Published: 14 February 2006
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Since February fourteenth is Valentine’s Day, I’ve decided to honor
this most commercial of all holidays with an examination of the most
interesting and fascinating ladies of comicdom. Being an avid comic
reader, I’m obviously infinitely more qualified to discuss females of
the fictional variety than those that are decidedly more real, and
thus have searched through our communal realm of superheroines to find
the most eligible amongst them. I’ve also went out on a limb and
included top hero picks for the (possibly mythological) female
readers, all in the interest of a more balanced reading experience.
Before I get into the list, I would like to look at two current
comic book weddings and their larger implications. The first is that
of Luke Cage and Jessica Jones, readying to tie the knot in the pages
of this year’s New Avengers Annual. Luke and Jessica have had
a relationship for some time now, and have experienced the ups and
downs of any real couple. The relationship is genuine, and both are
equally strong characters that, together, have a chemistry and love
that has been carefully crafted over time. They also have a child (as
of The Pulse #13), and both are equally excited about the prospect of
parenthood. However, their impending wedding has garnered little
attention from the comic book press, the fans, or Marvel itself. It
has been overshadowed by another wedding, one that doesn’t have the
same credentials as Luke and Jessica (this is beginning to sound like
a soap opera article)…
I’m referring, of course, to the wedding of Black Panther and
Storm, which I guarantee you’ve seen coverage of in one place or
another. Marvel is touting their wedding as next in line to fire and
sliced bread, yet I’ve struggled to find where they have ever had a
relationship on the printed page. There’s apparently some hint in an
old issue of Marvel Team-Up (that very few readers actively recall)
that they may have known each other earlier in their lives, but it was
never explored or given validation by any author after that.
Christopher Priest set the foundation of a relationship during his
magnificent run on Black Panther, but got cancelled before he could
get back around to furthering it. Therefore it’s quite frustrating
that Marvel pretends T'Challa and Ororo have been star-crossed lovers
for years — because they haven't. I have no opposition to the
pairing or the wedding, but how about giving them an actual
relationship first, instead of retconning one in with an extraneous
mini series?
As it stands, it seems as if this is an arranged marriage —
arranged by Marvel simply because Panther and Storm are arguably their
two most prominent Black characters, and that leaves kind of a stink
on it. Now, I honestly don’t believe that that is the case, or that
this is anyone at Marvel’s intention, but to the uninformed or casual
reader (and general public, for that matter), I think you can agree
that it looks suspicious, and possibly as nothing but a ploy to help
“diversify” their readers (the latter may, in fact, be part of it).
However, it insults readers’ intelligence to imply a relationship
where no significant one ever existed, and then hope that no one
notices. Personally, I would suggest building their relationship
first, much in the same way Marvel has been successful (creatively)
with Luke Cage and Jessica Jones; then it would truly be the event
that it deserves to be. But then, Luke and Jessica didn’t get the
press that T’Challa and Storm did — you may draw your own
conclusions.
Diatribe aside, we’re now off to more light-hearted matters,
mainly the promised “Best of” lists to edify and enliven your comic
book enjoyment.
THE TOP VALENTINE PICKS FOR 2006
The criteria for my picks are not the usual — being “hot” and
having the most gravity-defying chest just don’t cut it in the
thinking fan’s world. So I started with attributes more difficult
to find (sadly), including intelligence, independence, charisma,
integrity, and sincerity (although beauty didn’t count against);
basically, high ranking was not solely determined by appearance but
personality as well. Our winners also had to be appearing in a
currently-published comic series (or television show), and just
generally be better than everyone else. These are not the be-all and
end-all of everyone (well, some are), but the best based on my
research and criteria. I will also note that the lists are not as
ethnically diverse as I intended, but that was due to the lack of
ethnically diverse characters currently appearing in comics (a topic I
explored in a previous column).
Without further ado…
Top 5 Female Comic Characters
5. Jennifer Walters – Brainy, legal genius that is
infinitely more emotionally stable than her alter-ego.
4. Jessica Jones – Tough, smart (and smart-mouthed), and
suffers no fools.
3. Misty Knight – Smart, Kung Fu “tough chick;” only
thing more dangerous than her moves are her looks (and probably her
cybernetic arm).
2. Barbara Gordon – Ultimate in the brains department;
compassionate and beautiful.
1. Kitty Pryde – The cutest X-character of all time
(sorry Jubilee), she’s got the brains, the looks, and the heart to take the top spot.
Honorable Mention: Lee, from Fallen Angel, would have made
the list if she weren’t dangerously unstable; also, I’ve always been
partial to the second Black Widow, Yelena Belova, who would have
placed if not for the fact she would kill you as soon as look at you.
Top 5 Female TV Characters
5. Rory Gilmore – Could have scored higher if she
weren’t so emotionally high maintenance.
4. Kelly Peyton – Dangerous, but since Fred’s
dead…
3. Pam Beasley – Best secretary ever.
2. Starbuck (Katee Sackhoff, not Dirk Benedict) – Smart,
tough, and always gets her way.
1. Veronica Mars – Perfection personified.
AND FOR THE LADIES…
It’s only fair that the female readers get a list of the top gents
as well. Granted, I have very little to base these lists on other
than hearsay, educated guesses, and the input of a younger sister;
however, it’s the thought that counts, and I’m more than willing to
admit that I could be completely wrong on these following lists.
Just remember that I tried…
Top 5 Male Comic Characters
5. Johnny Storm – Because chicks apparently dig
hotheads.
4. Peter Parker – For the same reasons a show like
Beauty and the Geek can get on television.
3. John Constantine – He’s a smooth con artist, and
likely has spells that work better than a good aftershave.
2. Luke Cage – Takes care of business, and takes care of
family.
1. T’Challa – Smart, bad@$$ superhero, technological
genius, and the king of a wealthy nation.
Honorable Mention: Wally West would have made the list, if he
weren’t, uh… whatever he is now.
Top 5 Male TV Characters
5. Denny Crane – “Denny Crane.”
4. Michael Scofield – The “bad boy” with good
intentions.
3. Jim Halpert – Ultimate “nice guy” — and since
he’s fictional, he doesn’t have to finish last.
2. Christopher Turk – Funny, smart (yet clueless),
sincere, and a doctor (which I hear is a plus).
1. John Dorian – All the same as Turk, plus he had a hit
movie (only reason he won top spot).
And there you have it. Not the deepest investigative reporting
I’ve ever done, but a small diversion from more serious issues that
require attention. As far as the Big Two go, Marvel seems to have an
edge over DC, but that’s because Infinite Crisis has made all
their characters so unlikable.
Happy Consumerism Day.
—CCdC— Images used without explicit permission in accordance with the "Fair Use" provision of US copyright law.
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